Fuck the Glue. Be the Acetone.
Episode 19 of Wellness Me Up — Wellness Me Up Diary Entrywith Certified Relationship & Trauma Recovery Coach Janessa Neighbors
Written and hosted by Amanda Reece, founder of Wellness Me Up.
People pleasing is just self betrayal with a smile on. Janessa Neighbors is a certified relationship and trauma recovery coach who gets it — because she's lived it. This one goes deep into people pleasing, neurodivergence, limited beliefs, and why you were never supposed to be the glue.
🎧 Listen to the episode here:
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People Pleasing Is Self Betrayal With a Smile On
This is how Janessa frames it and once she said it I couldn't unhear it.
Every time you put your values aside. Every time you shrink yourself to keep someone comfortable. Every time you say yes when every single part of you is screaming no. That's not kindness. That's self betrayal. And most of us have been doing it so long it just feels like personality.
Janessa focuses specifically on people pleasers and the relationships around them. She works with people navigating relationship dynamics — romantic, family, friendship, workplace — who are exhausted from giving everything to everyone and getting very little back. Who are stuck in roles they never asked for. Who are trying to figure out why they keep showing up the same way in every relationship no matter how hard they try to change it.
Sound familiar? Keep reading.
The Reciprocal Energy Problem
This was the thing Janessa said early in this conversation that made my shoulders physically drop with relief.
Some people just do not have the capacity to give you what you need. Not because they're terrible people. Not because you're asking for too much. But because their mental and emotional bandwidth genuinely cannot meet you where you are.
And that is okay. But you have to stop expecting it from them.
The people pleaser in us keeps trying. Keeps adjusting. Keeps making ourselves smaller or more palatable or more patient hoping that eventually they'll be able to show up for us the way we show up for them. And it just... doesn't happen.
Janessa's reframe? Detach from the expectation. Assess whether this relationship can actually flourish. And stop confusing access with authenticity — just because someone has been in your life for a long time doesn't mean the relationship is genuinely reciprocal.
Deconstructing the Limited Beliefs You Grew Up With
This is where things get really good.
Janessa talks about how so many of our people pleasing patterns come from beliefs we absorbed as kids that we never questioned. Things that were said so many times they became truth.
She gave two examples that genuinely expanded my mind…
Curiosity killed the cat. She heard this her whole life and used it to shut down her natural curiosity — stopped asking questions, stopped digging deeper. And then she looked up the full saying. Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back.
The whole meaning changes. Completely.
And then blood is thicker than water — the classic guilt trip for anyone trying to create distance from family. She looked that one up too. The original saying is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Meaning the bonds you choose — your chosen family — are actually the stronger ones.
When you start pulling on these threads? When you realize the beliefs you've been living by aren't even true or aren't even complete? The whole thing starts to unravel in the most liberating way possible.
That's what Janessa helps people do. Deconstruct. Question. Rebuild.
I Handled That Way Better in My Head
The WTF wheel landed on this one and it went somewhere I wasn't expecting.
Janessa recently discovered she is neurodivergent — combined ADHD and complex PTSD. And she found out that her 16 year old self had actually reached out for help back then... and was shut down because of stigma.
So when she called her dad to tell him what she'd discovered she had it all planned out. Calm. Cool. Collected. Thirty minutes. She knew exactly what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it.
Two and a half hours later they were both bawling on the phone.
Because that's what happens when we finally say the things out loud that we've been carrying for decades. The script goes out the window. The body takes over. The feelings we thought we had managed arrive exactly when we stop managing them.
And it was beautiful and messy and exactly what needed to happen. Her dad felt seen. She felt seen. They understood each other in a way they hadn't before.
You can plan the conversation all you want. You cannot plan what happens when two people are finally honest with each other.
I Was Parentified. And I Talked About It Out Loud.
This was a moment in this conversation that I brought from my own experience and Janessa just held space for it so beautifully.
So many of us grew up being the glue. The fixer. The one who managed everyone's emotions and kept everything together and was told you're such an easy kid I don't have to worry about you.
And on the inside we were not okay. We were just very good at pretending.
And then we grow up and we start putting in boundaries and saying no and taking up space for the first time and people lose their minds. Because they got used to us being the glue. And suddenly the glue is dissolving and nothing is sticking together the way it used to.
That's not your problem to fix.
I said it out loud in this conversation — fuck being the glue. And Janessa immediately fired back... be the acetone.
And that was it. The title was born. Right there on air.
You're Going to Be Tired First
Something I said in this conversation that I want every person in the middle of this process to hear.
When you start putting up boundaries and creating distance and finally giving yourself the space you've needed... you are going to be exhausted. There might be months where you don't want to get off the couch. Where you just need to sleep and not think and not be responsible for anyone else's feelings for five minutes.
That's not laziness. That's your nervous system finally exhaling after years of being on high alert.
Let yourself be tired. Let yourself rest. And then when you're ready — and only when you're ready — start the rebuild.
What Wellness Me Up Means to Janessa
Learning about herself. Learning all the things she was already supposed to be according to the universe's script. Being open to the growth opportunities. Feeling the things she was not allowed to feel before.
Letting herself be her full potential. Letting herself mess up so she can learn more.
She said messy is part of the beauty. Yin and yang. And then she got a little emotional talking about it because she is that passionate about this work and where it has taken her.
And honestly... same.
One More Thing Before She Left
Age does not equal wisdom.
Janessa said this at the end of our conversation and I want to make sure it doesn't get lost. She is 28 years old. She has been through enough in those 28 years to have more wisdom than people twice her age. She feels mentally 40. She is simultaneously learning her inner child, her inner teen, and how to be an adult — all at the same time.
The idea that you have to be a certain age before your experiences count or your perspective matters or your wisdom is valid? Hard no. We learn from every season of life. We learn from kids. We learn from people who have been through things early. We learn from everyone who is willing to share honestly.
Age does not equal wisdom. Experience does. And Janessa has plenty of it.
Want to work with Janessa? Janessa Neighbors is a certified relationship and trauma recovery coach specializing in people pleasers and the relationship dynamics around them. Real. Raw. Payment plans available because wellness should be accessible. Her DMs are open.
📱 Instagram: jayyy1228 💌 DMs open — just reach out
If this one made you want to pour some acetone on your glue... share it with someone who has been holding everyone else together for way too long. And subscribe to Wellness Me Up wherever you listen.
🎧 Listen to the episode here:
→ YouTube
→ Spotify
