Stop Optimizing. You're Not a Bot. — Values, Identity & Building a Playbook That's Actually Yours
Episode 10 of Wellness Me Up with Life Coach Meghan Deford
Okay so I read out Meghan's approach to wellness at the top of the episode... and she immediately laughed and called it total corporate bullshit.
And I knew instantly this was going to be a good one.
Because what Meghan actually does? Is help women figure out who the f*ck they are and what they actually want. That's it. That's the whole thing. The rest is just words that look good on paper.
🎧 Listen to the episode here:
→ YouTube
→ Spotify
The Woman Who Has It All Figured Out... Except She Doesn't
Here's the client Meghan keeps seeing walk through her door.
She's successful. She's hitting goals at work. She's showing up for everyone in her life — her kids, her aging parents, her team, her friends. She's the responsible one. The one who holds it together.
And she's quietly falling apart inside because there's this longing she can't shake. This feeling of... is this it?
She feels guilty about it because her life looks perfect on paper. And she's grateful for what she has. But something is missing and she can't name it and that makes it worse.
So she does one of two things. She either completely freezes and doesn't know where to start... or she pulls out a five year strategic plan and starts trying to optimize her way out of the feeling.
Neither works. Because the problem isn't strategy. It's that she's been living someone else's playbook.
Your Values Are Not What You Think They Are
This is where Meghan starts with everyone. Values work. And she'll be the first to tell you it sounds boring. It is boring. And it's also one of the most disorienting things you can do.
Because most of us think we know our values. And then Meghan puts a page in front of you with 50+ values on it and says circle as many as you want... and people freeze. Or they circle 12 and have no idea how to whittle it down. Or they circle the ones they think they should have instead of the ones that are actually true.
That gap — between the values you perform and the values you actually live — is where all the confusion lives. It's why you feel like you're doing everything right and still feel like something's off.
Once you get clear on your actual values — not your aspirational ones, not your parents' ones, not the ones that sound good in a LinkedIn bio — you have a filter. Every decision runs through it. Every commitment gets measured against it. And suddenly you're living with intention instead of just reacting to whatever lands in your inbox.
You're Not Starting Over. You're Starting From Experience.
This reframe from Meghan hit me hard and I want everyone to hear it.
We talk a lot in wellness spaces about transformation. About becoming a new you. About shedding who you were.
Meghan doesn't buy that. And neither do I honestly.
You are not starting over. You are starting from every version of yourself that has led you to this moment. Every hard thing. Every wrong turn. Every time you figured it out when you were sure you couldn't. All of it comes with you. None of it was wasted.
And here's the other thing she said that I keep thinking about... there is also grief in this work. Real grief. When you finally get clear on who you actually are and what you actually want, you have to reckon with the stuff that doesn't fit anymore. The identity you outgrew. The relationships that don't align. The version of success you worked so hard for that doesn't actually feel like success.
That's not a crisis. That's growth. But you have to let yourself feel it. You can't emotionally bypass your way through it.
Dora the Explorer, Boulders & What Goes in Your Backpack
Meghan loves an analogy and honestly same.
She talks about the work she does with clients as building a backpack. You're figuring out what tools belong in there. What you need to carry. What you can leave behind. And what you might need to pick up along the way when something unexpected happens — like a knee brace when you trip on the trail.
And then there's the boulder thing. Someone once told her you don't have to keep putting boulders in your cart. And she's never forgotten it.
So much of what we carry is just... fear. Worst case scenarios we've been planning for since childhood because if we could just anticipate everything bad that might happen we'd be safe. We'd be in control.
But that's not protection. That's just weight. And at some point you have to ask yourself honestly — what is actually mine to carry? And what can I put down?
Spoiler: most of it can go down.
The Aha Moment Is Boring. And That's the Point.
I love that Meghan said this out loud because nobody says it and it needs to be said.
The breakthrough moment in coaching? It's not dramatic. It doesn't happen in week one when everyone is energized and excited. It usually happens in week three or four when someone hasn't done the one thing they committed to and Meghan asks them... why. Not why didn't you do it. Why do you actually want this thing in the first place.
And that's when it cracks open.
That's when the woman who said she wants to become a director at her company admits what she really wants is to open a coffee shop where people can adopt dogs. And that's not a failure. That's the whole f*cking point. That's the real work finally showing up.
And then you don't scrap the director plan necessarily. You just get honest about what's actually driving you. And you start building from there.
The WTF Wheel Question: What's the Hardest Thing About Being the One Who Helps Others Heal?
Meghan's answer was so clean and so good.
She's not the one healing you. You're healing you. She's the cheerleader who asks a lot of questions and holds your hand while you do it.
The hardest part for her is making sure she doesn't put too much of herself into it. Especially with clients she relates to closely. Checking herself. Staying in the questions. Making sure the conversation stays yours.
And then I shared something from my own experience running workshops — I stopped doing gratitude journals after a participant said she was done with highs and lows and just wanted to focus on the meh. The middle. The constant. That was the shift for me.
Now when I run self-esteem workshops I ask people at the start what brought them there and build around that. They're in charge of what they're learning. They can take an exercise or leave it. Do whatever works for them. Be an alpaca. Do whatever the f*ck you want.
But here's what Meghan kept coming back to around permission... nobody is actually giving it to you. Not me, not her, not any coach. You are giving yourself permission. What a good coach does is just say it out loud so you can finally hear it.
You Are Not a Bot. You Are Nature.
This is what Meghan said when I asked what Wellness Me Up means to her and I genuinely had to sit with it for a minute.
We have been sold this idea of optimization. Produce more. Faster. At the lowest cost. And we have absorbed it so deeply that we apply it to ourselves. Like we are supposed to be running at maximum efficiency at all times and if we're not something is broken.
But you are not a bot. You are not an economy. You are nature.
And nature doesn't optimize. Nature goes through seasons. Harsh conditions and ideal conditions. Rest and growth. Hurricanes and sunshine. The ride breaks down sometimes. And then it starts working again.
Wellness isn't about being perfect at all times. It's about trusting yourself enough to live in alignment with who you actually are... in whatever season you're in right now.
And your future self? She's already saying thank you. For stopping. For thinking. For trusting her.
Go have a cry. Meghan said it makes her cry every single time too.
Want to work with Meghan? Meghan Deford is a life coach with 20 years of nonprofit leadership experience who helps women stop living someone else's playbook and start building their own. Values work, identity work, and the kind of honest questions that crack things open in the best possible way.
📱 TikTok & Instagram:
@megdeford 🎙️
Podcast: Scrambled Eggs with Richard and Meghan / Deford Coaching on YouTube
If this one got your wheels turning... share it with the woman in your life who has it all figured out on paper and is quietly wondering what the fck is missing. And subscribe to Wellness Me Up wherever you listen.*
🎧 Listen to the episode here:
→ YouTube
→ Spotify
