Stop Shoulding on Yourself.

Oct 18

Episode 36 of Wellness Me Up — Wellness Me Up Diary Entry
with Licensed Therapist Turned Coach Miguel Hernandez
Written and hosted by Amanda Reece, founder of Wellness Me Up.

Miguel Hernandez is a licensed therapist turned coach who helps people stop thinking their way into wellness and start feeling their way through it. This one covers somatic healing, awareness, the stories we tell ourselves, why desperation is a stinky cologne, and why you are probably way more confident than you think.

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Who Is Miguel Hernandez?

Miguel Hernandez is a licensed therapist turned coach who works at the intersection of the mind and the body — because he has found that without connecting deeply to both, change just is not as easy as we want it to be.

He runs Sovereign Flow and can be reached at support@builtforearth.com. Built for earth. As in — you already have everything you need. You just have to find it.

We talked about a lot before we hit record. Summer things. Kids. Life things floating around in the tank. And then we hit record and it got very real very quickly.

We Often Try to Think Ourselves Into Wellness

This was Miguel's opening line — the one he wrote on the questionnaire before we even started — and it set the tone for the entire conversation.

Most of us approach wellness the same way. We read the books. We know the things. We think about all the things we should be doing. And yet nothing shifts. Because we are trying to think our way into feeling different. And that does not work.

Miguel brings the body into the room. Not just the mind. Not just the talk. The actual physical felt experience of what is happening inside of us — the sensations, the tension, the places where things live that we have never named out loud.

That is the missing piece for so many people. And it is what makes his approach genuinely different.

You Are Not Witnessing Reality. You Are Interpreting It.

This was the reframe that made my brain light up completely.

Miguel said something that I want everyone to hear clearly. What we identify as reality — what we believe we are witnessing happening in real time — is almost always our interpretation of events filtered through whatever lens we happen to be wearing. The trauma lens. The victim lens. The insecurity lens. Whatever lens we put on that day.

He gave the most practical example — texting. You are texting someone. The frequency of replies shifts. They go quiet. And immediately your brain starts doing the thing. They don't like me. I said too much. I pushed them away.

But the objective, observable thing that actually happened is this — you texted them and they have not texted back yet.

That is all. That is the whole fact of the matter.

Everything else — the story, the narrative, the insecurities spiraling, the old messages you are rereading to figure out where it went wrong — that is interpretation. And it is being born from historical pain, old wounds, previous experiences that have nothing to do with this person or this moment.

I jumped in hard on this one because same. I have had this conversation with my friends so many times. The slot machine feeling of waiting for a text back. The overanalysis. The going back through every message wondering what you said wrong. And the reality is that person might just be dealing with squirrels in their attic for all we know. Life is lifing for them. And we have made it entirely about us.

Stop Shoulding on Yourself

This is the line that made me say out loud — that is the title of this episode.

Miguel was working with a man going through a breakup. Listening to the words he was using. And he kept hearing the word should. I know I should feel better. I should have moved on. I should not care this much.

And Miguel said — stop shoulding on yourself.

Because should is a loaded word. Should implies that you are not where you are supposed to be. That you are doing it wrong. That your experience is incorrect. And it is almost always coming from someone else's timeline or expectation that you have absorbed and made your own.

He parroted the man's own words back to him — holding up the mirror — and just by hearing his own language reflected back, the man started to see what was actually happening. The fear of losing his ex. The desperation driving his behavior. The fact that everything he was doing was a self-fulfilling prophecy — pushing away the very thing he was terrified of losing.

And then Miguel said the line. Desperation is a stinky cologne. The more desperate you are with someone the more they can smell it and the more they pull away. Not because you are not enough. Because the energy coming from that place is not coming from true connection. It is coming from fear and insecurity and the need for validation.

Stop making decisions from that place. Pause. Get grounded. Then act.

Becoming the Observer of Yourself

This is Miguel's core work and it is beautifully simple in concept and genuinely difficult in practice.

Most of us are completely married to our thoughts and feelings as being us. I am an anxious person. I am a person with low self-esteem. I am someone who can never make things work. And when you are completely fused with that story — when you cannot separate yourself from it — you cannot see it clearly enough to change it.

What Miguel does is create space for people to observe themselves from the outside for just a moment. He listens to the words they use. He reflects them back. And then he says — can I tell you what I see from where I am standing? Because I do not have your story about you. I do not have twenty years of evidence that you are not confident. So let me show you what I actually see.

And then he breaks it down. Uses the math. Walks through the whole day and shows someone objectively — here is what you actually did today. Here is how you actually showed up. Would you call a person who does all of that confident?

And people go... oh.

Not from being told. From feeling it. From having the experience of witnessing their own inaccurate story finally crack open.

One client he had was a social worker who described herself as not confident. And Miguel walked her through her day — talking someone through a drug addiction, staying calm with someone experiencing delusions, showing up for some of the heaviest human moments imaginable — and asked her how many people in the general population would be confident doing that.

And she felt it. Not just thought it. Felt it.

That is the whole work.

The Outfit You Keep Putting On

I am responsible for creating a lot of these dynamics. And Miguel was explaining this so well that my brain immediately went to this image — and I reflected it back to him.

Imagine an outfit. You put it on and suddenly you see everything through that specific lens. If I put on the outfit of the fixer — I see everyone around me as someone who needs fixing. If I put on the outfit of the people pleaser — I see every interaction as an opportunity to make sure everyone else is okay before I am. If I put on the outfit of the girl who isn't enough — I see every unanswered text, every missed call, every quiet moment as confirmation of that story.

And you keep putting on the same outfit every single day and wondering why you keep seeing the same things. Why the same patterns keep showing up. Why the same dynamics keep finding you.

I have started to notice in my dating life how much I gravitate toward a certain kind of dynamic. The intermittent reinforcement. The push-pull. The getting attention and craving it and the people-pleasing that comes with it. And I am starting to have the awareness of where that is coming from and why. What old patterns I am repeating. What outfit I keep putting on.

The outfit is the pattern. And when you finally see it — really see it — you cannot unsee it. And then you can start choosing something different to wear.

I also had a recent connection that ended. And I recognized the pattern starting to happen. And I gave myself a week to get back into myself before saying or doing anything. The connection still did not work out in the end. But I did not blow it up from a reactive place. And that is growth. Even when it still stings.

The WTF Wheel Question: What's a Small Joy That's Carried You Through the Big Stuff?

Miguel said his kids immediately. Without having to think about it.

Because kids do not think like adults. They are still curious. Still adventure-based. Still finding out how everything works. And when the adult stuff gets heavy — the bills, the business, the things he is figuring out — he just goes to his son and says what do you want to do today? And they go do that thing. And for a while the weight of all of it just lifts.

His daughter is five. Her world is even simpler. And that simplicity is something he taps into every chance he gets.

I jumped in with my nieces — and a little square piece of paper I found while going through my belongings as I transitioned to full digital nomad life. My niece had written it years ago when I used to have them pull ideas out of a jar for how we would spend our auntie weekends together.

It said go to the park.

And I held that piece of paper and thought — have I gone to the park? Like, have I actually just chilled the fuck out for a second? Have I just gone somewhere with no agenda and let myself breathe?

I am going to the park this week. I told Miguel I would. I meant it.

I also rediscovered Zelda. I used to love playing Link's Awakening on my Game Boy as a kid — it was everything. And I found out I can actually play it online now. I got to boss number two before deciding that if I kept going it was going to absolutely ruin my life. For a couple of hours though? I had a sword. I was crushing it. I felt genuinely confident. And it cost nothing.

Do more of what lit you up as a kid. That is the whole prescription.

What Wellness Me Up Means to Miguel

Two things.

First — stop and ask yourself what would make me feel even the slightest bit better right now. Not a complete overhaul. Not following someone else's protocol. Just — what would move the needle even a tiny bit in a positive direction for me specifically?

Second — stop worrying about whether you are doing it right or wrong. Just do something. The fact that you are doing something is the whole point. You do not have to fit it into someone else's category or follow some perfect system. Get under a tree with a book. Go to the arcade. Find your version of the park.

We are all built for this. We already have what we need. We are just learning how to access it.

Want to work with Miguel?
Miguel Hernandez is a licensed therapist turned coach working at the intersection of mind, body, and somatic awareness. He helps people become the observer of themselves — separating the story from the facts and learning to feel their way into real change.

📧 support@builtforearth.com
📱 Facebook: Sovereign Flow

If this one made you want to go to the park... go to the park. And subscribe to Wellness Me Up wherever you listen.